NO Communication

[What to do]

I am a 30 year old female. I have already been married and divorced twice. I am engaged to be married again. I have alot of questions and alot of worries.
My fiance has absolutely no communication skills, we fight often. When we get into an argument, he starts ignoring me...I mean for a week or longer. I can not stand the ignoring. I want to talk about the situation solve it to the best of our knowledge and move on. The ignoring makes me crazy, I can last a few days and then I just blow up. He also blows up! And when things have come to a head, he has said such mean and hurtful things to me. I am having a hard time getting over these things. He has said: that I am a pathetic helpless women, greedy, a liar, and even a whore. How do I get past these things said to me? Or do I?
He is also a wonderful man, he is very giving, very loving, very affectionate and I love him very much.
He will not talk to me about the way I feel. He does not communicate at all with me (about our relationship). I find this even cruel. I am now so hurt by his words and lack of effort to make it better, that it has effected our sex life. I don't want to be with him. I am trying to protect myself from furthur hurt. I give in and I become vulnerable for the next attack.
What do I do? Do I stay (we live together) and continue trying to get over the hurtful things ? Or do I say forget it? I truely love him, but I can't live like this.
I have two children from a previous marriage and I don't want to drag them from house to house. I don't want to do this to them again. He is good to my children, but my kids see him ignoring me and the tension in the air is so obvious.
If I leave I am going to feel like I have failed again! I have tried so hard this time, to make it work. I just don't feel like he has. What do I do to make it work? I certainly can not make him talk to me. I've tried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely, What can I do

[ivorysummer]

I think you should move out until your boyfriend can learn to communicate. You should not worry about the children. They will be better off in an enviroment that is less stressful. I have been married six years and it has taken us this long to even start to communicate effectively. It has taken a major blow to our marriage to get us this far(My husband had an internet affair). You should not have to play his mind games. It will only brings you down, trying do what you have to do to keep peace. I would not advise anyone to marry into this situation. If your boyfriend truely beleives in your relationship he will get the help he needs. Good luck and you will make the right choices for you and your family.

[evalen]

I have been married for 6 years, im the husband, i to suffered from the same problems that your boyfriend does. Its very easy for men to get mad and try to hold it all in. Alot of times we can get our feelings hurt just as easy, or even easier than a women can. When i would ignore my wife, it made me feel like i was the one in control, it would anger her, and in a way the more she bothered me the more i would ignore her and the angrier she got . Sometimes it was because i was trying to find the best answer to the situation, other times our relationship became a kind of power struggle. She would do something to hurt me, i wouldnt blow up at her, but simply ignore her to kind of get revenge for the hurt she caused. It can be a very unhealthy and stressful circle, i can honestly tell you from my experiences that the things he says, the ugly and spiteful words he says arent really what hes feeling. Your boyfriend might simply be co-dependant or suffer from some of the symptoms. Ive done years of research to finally break myself of those nasty habits, you can search the web for more information on co-dependency, and maybe find some answers there. One of the things that you can do now to remedy the situation is to simply leave. If he does love you, it will not take him long to start begging for you to come back, When my wife left with my daughter, i filed for divorce the next day, sitting there waiting for the paperwork to get signed, i realized how sick i really was. After much bribing and outright begging i now have my wife and daughter back. If you two truly love each other you can change your relationship, you can make it work. There are still times everyday where i see me and my wife faulter and fall into that old circle of fighting. I found my way back to religion, and learned about my co-dependency, what the signs and symptoms are. Im a much calmer person now, and in fact the first week my wife was home , she often commented that i was being "too nice" or "too agreeable". We are seeking counseling now and trying to live life as best as we can. There is alot of great information on the web, you just have to search for it. I wish the best of luck to you.

Eric

[lschofield]

I am in the same situation. My mother came to collect me and now our son and I are 5000 miles away from my husband.

He is now refusing to talk to me, and I just wish I could be with him.

I've found nothing helpful on the internet as of yet. If your husband doesn't listen, I suppose it doesn't really matter what you say.

He's currently telling me that I'm mad, and he'd rather have me 10,000 miles away than just 5,000. I really want this to work, I've been in love with him for 14 years. I also feel though, that its just me that is trying to make it work.

I'd suggest you stay with your husband. I can't describe the heartache and humiliation I'm currently going through. Best of luck to you.

Regards,
Laura

[Liz]

There are a number of programmes that you can attend to prepare for marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/). Two programmes that are quite powerful are the Prepare/Enrich programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/prepinc/) and the FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/foccus/) programme. Although we carry information about these for the UK, they are available in USA too and the contact here could tell you where to find them.

Don't just drift into marriage without facing these communication issues because it won't get easier. Verbal abuse can be very damaging. If your fiancee is really committed to marrying you, then he will be willing to do some preparation of some sort. If he isn't willing for you to confront this issue together, then I can't see what future your relationship has.

Liz