what 2 do

[tickedoff]

I found out what you all did. We have been married 3 yrs. A son that is 1 1/2. I work 8-5 and school 2 nights a week. I am 25-he is 26 so it is not just new marriages, young men, it happens all the time it seems from all these postings. WHY? I got home from school a few times and noticed him on the comp. He was shutting down every time. So I did not pull n the garage one night and just walked n. He quickly got out of what he was on. Problem was he was n instant messanger. When she replied it popped up anyways. He met some @#*%! on here and they shared emails, set up on messanger, shared life details, nude pictures etc...... He claimed he had no clue on how she got there, but they just started talking. I went 2 temp int files and searched. I then found in the TRASH the emails they had shared. He called her DARLING which he calls me, and told her he would be looking and waiting for her later. I then responded 2 her message and talked as if I was him and found out just what all they knew about each other and what they had discussed. I then sent her an attachement of ALL of us - she flipped and wanted to know who that woman was. She knew about our son, but somehow I was forgotten. I talked with her 4 a few days and then told her it was actually me after she started referring to me as the jealous B@T%H and wondered when I would be home. She called ME a wh@re. I lost it. He apologized to me. Now he deletes his emails. He has no time to take me to lunch or get up in the morning to help with his son, yet as son as I leave he is on the comp and at lunch. He has no clue about the temp files and does not know I can see hwat times he gets on etc...... I ask and he says he has not. I am hurt, mad, not trusting. I wonder at work if he is at home and who he is talking to. He stays up until 2 n the morning on here. He trys 2 blame me 4 lack of sex. I have always been that way. I work, school, tend 2 my son. I then have no reason 2 have sex b/c I feel I have not been shown any love. Sex to me is about more than meeting under the covers. I want to feel loved also rather than just being a SEX PARTNER and that is it. I want a card, an I love you, a hug, something. Instead if there is a hug it is so he can reach my butt to grab, remarks are I have something for you and points to IT, or nothing at all and expectations that when we get in bed there will b sex. If there is not then we can not even hold each other or touch or talk b/c we didn't have sex...... HELP...... I keep rambling b/c I am so mad and hurt.....SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!!!

[Kate]

First of all, what you want from your husband - love, affection, tenderness, without the immediate agenda of "this must lead to sex" is perfectly normal and healthy. Most women need to feel emotionally secure to make love. Men however do see things slightly differently - they seem on the whole to be able to feel physically atracted and want sex without as much emotional involvement. Unfortunately this can get distorted out of hand when they get involved in an affair based on sex or pornography. They may even be more prone to being drawn to pornography. I recommend you have a look at the area of this site on Cyber sex and Internet addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/). In particular there is a link to the Pure Intimacy site which is specifically for people or those married to people struggling with these issues. You might also find some of the articles on coping with affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) help a bit, because that is what is going on here. Your husband is having an affair.

The Marital First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) may also give you some understanding of what is going on.

You've been badly hurt, but you obviously want to find a way forward. You need to try and create an atmosphere where you can talk without it turning into a shouting match about the real issues - how you each see your sexual relationship, what your needs and expectations of each other are. Also you could do with the opportunity to share calmly about how hurt you are, tell him how you feel, but try not to do it in a way that puts him on the defensive, so don't use your feelings as weapons to punish him, but as a gift of sharing with him what is really happening inside you. He will probably be defensive and you may have to be patient to allow him to face up to a few things. It's also importnant to try and understand and accept what he has to say about where he is in all this, even if some of it is painful and threatening - I'm not saying be a doormat, but don't jump in and try and change him - he needs to be motivated to change himself. There are some articles on building good communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) on the site too. You could have a look through for some tips.

I hope you can find a way forward.

All the best

Kate



[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 25 May 2001).]