Divorce or Not

[Dreamer]

It has been some time since I have been able to chat here. My life has been extremely complicated not to mention the deep depression I have been in. My marriage even though we just seperated I thought might have a chance. After my husband moved out in January (1month after our 1 year annv) I myself had to find a place to live. I finally found something near my daugters school. The move was very hard and painful. Into a new house, and leaving the one we lived in together not to mention we rented that house because it would have been great to raise the new baby in (lost in Oct).

My husband and I have seen eachother at least twice a week, we have even gone to dinner and occasionally (twice) had short intamite moments. However, one minuate he would be very nice and refering to us as us, and the next he would be cold and bitter and angry. Well last week, we had another quicky-last one being a month ago. The next day our income taxes came in and he was being nice, saying he missed me in his bed and so on. When I met him he went out of his way to be nice. That evening after I got home from counseling (which I am the only one getting counseling) I called to let him now that here was a mistate(we were splitting the money in half). Well my husband got very angry claiming he didnt cheat me out of money and so on. The conversation went severly wrong and got very ugly. His last statement was that he didnt want to see or talk to me for awhile.

Well its been about a week, he has not called or even called for my daughter how now calls him dad. He did however show up at her school for lunch yesterday. My family and friend are all telling me that I should file for divorce, that even if I filed for legal seperation it would not protect me completly, not to mention it might piss him off and then he might turn around and file divorce and I will loose the upper hand-which he seems to always have. I love my husband, but threw this last year with getting married, then getting pregnant(both something I truely never thought I'd have a chance at getting)then to loose them both within weeks of eachother. I have a lot of anger, disappointment and very conscerned with the cruelty of all of this. I mean one minuate he wants to get married and next he walks away so easily. He is out every weekend, with his friends and women(my friends have seen him). I dont now what to do, do I go ahead with the divorce, and just move on. How do you move on, I dont even want to come out of my house. Let alone I have been in my new house since 2/15 and I still am living out of boxes. My husband looks better than he ever did when we were together(5years, married 1). Everyone says it will get better. Its not, I still cry all the time, in the car, in the grocery store, everywhere. I just want my husband to come home and fall back in love with me. I want to be special in his life again, I would love to have him respect me again and trust me again.

Well the question I have is should I divorce or not? Im hoping to get some insite or just some help to easy my mind or at least some sign of hope, or maybe there is none for my marriage. My husband has said our marriage was a joke. A better question maybe is how do you let go of someone you love?

Thanks for having this place to come and share and get help.

Dreamer

[evalen]

Your post really tugged at my heart, i really feel for you. I am suffering a similar situation right now with my wife. She has always been a party girl, and i found myself loosing self confidence and self esteem when she would go out on the weekends with her single friends till 3 am. We have been married for 5 years and have a wonderful 3 year old daughter. In october we had a very big falling out, and she moved acrossed the country with my daughter. I simply came home one day to find their stuff gone, and a note saying ill call you later. After much pleading on my part, i managed to get them back here to our home, things arent so smooth though, but at least my daughter is happy now. Im trying to get my wife to go to counseling with me, and truly believe that things can work, her friends and mother are telling her to return to New York, and it hurts me when she says she is just visiting. I truly believe that you must follow your heart, you cannot let your immediate feelings take control of your actions, sit down, take a few deep breaths, think about your mate, and about their current actions, and their actions in the past. Its very easy to loose yourself in depression, and to "Give Up". I started meditating recently, and have found my way back to god. Im not a religious person nor have i ever attended church, but i found what hope i needed by simply opening my heart to god, and to his word. He speaks to each of us, to the whole planet, most of us are too distracted to hear him. The first time i meditated, i was overcome by such a huge warm tingly sensation in my heart. I could not stop smiling for hours and hours. I asked god personal questions, and he answered them, he also told me my plan for life. Relationships are not easy, and with all the distractions in the world, they are going to get alot harder. Im glad you are in counseling, i hope that you can resolve your situation, there are many routes open to you. But dont give up, i havent yet. A dozen times a day i feel the need to give up, but i have this picture in my head, of a huge boulder crushing a small marble sized rock, the boulder being symbolic of the truth that god told me, the small marble sized rock being my own self doubt, and fears. If you want visit www.godtalkstoyou.com maybe it can help you. There are still so many distractions in life, and sometimes the person we are trying to get thru to, just does not want to come around. Either way, you are a child of god, and he loves you eternally.

Eric

[Dreamer]

Thank you for your reply, it was a nice confort. I so look forward to seeing replies to "why should I pay to have someonetell me why my wife is the way she is and so on". He is going out every weekend, and has no desire to repair or reconcile or try to mend our marriage. He is happy and content living on his own again, dealling with only his own problems and not having to deal with mine.

I am trying very hard to not give up, but these days its very hard when you are the only one not giving up. Not to mention he doesnt want to see me , or speak to me for awhile. My daughter told him that I took the pictures down because it was too hard to look at them every day.

See our baby was suppose to be bornon 4/14. Yeah, just around the corner. My thought is I could not physically, or mentally or emotionally handle b eing served divorce papers. To get my on self dignity back, I think it would be easier for me and better if I filed and he was served first. I feel pretty sure that we are going to go there. So do I wait to be devistated again by this man or do I step up and start the inevidable?

I am so lost, and I have so much comming on my plate. Do I wait and hope that he will step up to the plate and take responsiblility. A year ago this man married me and my daughter infront of our family, friends and God. Six months later he decides this isnt what he wants, that I didnt change (neigher did he-parting all the time). He decides to wait to leave after I get my real estate licensce. Two months later things are going really good, I get pregnant. Two months later I loose our baby and he wants a divorce (I went out and got really drunk with a friend and didnt come home-slept in my truck in front of the house). He wants me out by my 1 year anniverseray 12/1/02. Decides afer my begging to wait till aftger christmas for my daughters sake. What kind of man does this to someone. Should I have faith and hope in a man that is capable of this, or should I walk away? Should I be the one to file first, so he again doesnt devistate me? Having faith in God is very hard sometimes.

Well, I do hope that things work out for you. Thank you for replyinging. I trueling look forward to seeing my email reply's from this site.

I give thanks to this site for being here for me.

Dreamer

[evalen]

Its very hard when someone leaves you, especially since you have invested so much time and effort into them. I am a firm believer in the strength of the human spirit, you will prevail without him. It will take time, and you will have to depend on your family to help you, more now than ever. Find some counseling, find someone you can talk to, who can help you sift thru your emotions. It will take you around a year to fully recover, but in the end you will find happiness. Im speaking from experience, after my first marriage ended, i fell into a depression for about 3 months, i woke up one morning, Tighted down the shoelaces and made a life for myself. Almost 9 months exactly to the day i met my current wife. She bowled me over, and i have recovered yet. Keep the faith, take care of yourself, and DO NOT ALLOW this person to hurt you any further. Make a relationship with god, tell him your hurts, your problems, he will answer you. If you are sure that its over, and it sounds to me like it is you must file for divorce immediately, protect yourself, women are extremely favored in divorce cases, i think in some states you can simply get an annullment if you havent been married longer than 2 years. Take some time to do some soul searching, from very bad things like this most people learn alot about themselves, about the good and the bad, take this time to improve yourself, you will find you are a far stronger person than you think you are.

Eric

[Unregistered]

Hey Dreamer,

I guess it feels like it cant get much worse? I really feel for you and I hope life gets together again real soon. About the divorce who goes 1st, what is more important than that is you. Dont worry about papers, dont worry about him getting in 1st, shows nothing and proves nothing who goes 1st, that is not the issue here. The overall importance is your well being, about you being solid and handling your emotions as best you can. It is true a big depression hits, before waking up one day and the pressure has gone (yep its around 3 months) On the positive side, if you know this will come you also know it will go and the good feeling will come and no matter how bad it is now the feeling will fade. Your hubby only knows his reasoning for the behaviour. You could write a letter, if the phone contact is stressful. I guess you give up when you feel you have done everything honestly within your power to let the other know what you want and how you feel, sometimes that means exposing yourself and your weeknesses (you said you love him?) You have one life to express yourself and no one looses points for being who they are, before throwing in the towel, open yourself fully (writing may be easier) if the desired reaction is not what you hoped for, it will either signify more talking/correspondence is needed or you as a beautifull person can and should move on to the next phase in your life. We never stop growing and we can always survive and give again to another.

Take care, smile and try and get throught this as best you can

M
X

[Dreamer]

Thank you for both of your reply's. They both were very encouraging. My husband, however, has decided to contact me. Says he misses our friendship and that we were best friends for 5 years, that even though he has issues with me on the wife issue, he misses our friendship.

So I contacted him back and out of weakness and a stronge need to be intamite with him. We were. Afterwards, I decided to step away and wait for him to contact me. 3 days later he did-his life is very unhappy-mainly his job. In looking back on our marriage, he has always been unhappy with his job and it has caused him great pain. He is 37 and has not a hole lot to show for his life, not to mention he struggles daily with his job. I tried to be there for him, listen and offer my advice. He just seemed to distance himself more.

So I am struggling with ideas of, do I hang on! I have been praying for him and for myself. I want my marriage to work, but I dont want to hold onto something that is not there. A statement he made last night hurt me really bad, "I dont even have any money to take a women out.....". I realize that being intimate with my husband has probably not been the greatest thing, but I have a hard time saying no, so does he for that matter.

I am so confused, everyone talk of how I will get over it and move on.

How do you let go of someone you dont wont to let go of?

I try to be stronge, I pray and go to church, which this hole thing has brought me closer to trusting my Lord-being that I didnt have a hole lot before. I am just having a really hard time trusting in him where my marriage is concerned. Im afraid that my Lord doesnt want me to be with my husband, and that maybe he has plans for me to be with someone else, or worse alone-my biggest fear in the world.

I dont get it with my husband, he still has our wedding picture up, and other pictures of me up all over his house. We had such a severe blow up a few weeks ago, I though for sure they would have all come down, not to mention, he has mention that he states its over "what part of I dont want to be with you anymore, I've moved out, do you not understand", quote from my husband in anger.

Please continue to give me your thoughts, prayers, and advice it you have them. The 3 month thing was very helpful. March for me is the beginning of the 3rd month, and I am not crying as much anymore. I still miss him terribly, and I cant seem to say no yet to being intimate with my husband when the oportunity arises. I wish I new if or how to get my husband to fall in love with me again and want to work out our differences and salvage our marriage.

Well thank you again for your replies, PLEASE KEEP THEM COMMING!

Dreamer

[Unregistered]

Hi,

One thing I have learnt is you cannot make someone be or do something they are not. The sex thing sounds like sex (im sorry to say it like that) there is a big difference bewteen love making and sex. Continuing with the physical thing , may not help you be closer as a couple or make the marriage work. I think you need the physical attention and see that as love, he might see it as just sex. How can you make love soulfully and walk away knowing you are hurting someone? He does! When he said he couldnt even afford to take a woman out, really wound me up. He sounds like he wants sympathy, he did not say take you out, it was generic. fear of loneliness is normal, spend sometime making new male relationships, distract yourself from his power over you. There are loads of free sites where you can make email male pals, you need someone to lift you up not pull you down. At any time in the future he can come back and ask to try and work it out with you, you will always be there. Dont give up on being you, while he makes his mind up on what he wants. You can have both, new male admirer and estranged confused hubby. He has too much of your emotion to be good for you at the moment.

[Dreamer]

You were right about my husband and myself's intamitcy being just sex.

This past weekend, I just showed up at his house. A friend of ours was there with another women and he brought a female for my husband. I guess this women has been trying to see my husband, but my husband tells me he is not in the mood or ready to start another relationship. I guess she asked him to send me home not to mention our mutual friend got mad at me for showing up and pointed it out to me that my husband and I were seperated-I had no business being there. I think he was just mad I ruined his plans. The women got upset at my husband because she asked him to choice her over me, and he said there was no choicing-that she had to go.

So I spent the night, had great sex with my husband and left the next day. That night my daughter went to stay and the next night, jokingly I said "I want to sleep over too." Well I did, and my husband and I really had a very nice time. I smile a lot and he said he chose me because he has history with me, and that our sex is fanaminal. He claims he is not ready to see anyone,that unless a perfect women showed up he wasnt interested. Perfect being phisically fit, long hair, confident and independent, which I have the long hair. Im insecure with myself, about 15-20 overweight and definantly not confident in myself. So I spent the night, a little kissing but nothing more.

Last night, we met for a drink to switch cars, so mine could get worked on. After the drink, we were having so much fun he offered to stay and buy me dinner, another shocker. We had a really nice time, but he said we could have sex tonight because of our emotions. I told him that he needed to take heed of his own words, that it was just sex for both of us-cant tell him the whole truth, and that my emotions are none of his business any more. That I hoped that if he does start seeing someone else he is honest with me. See Im not ready to start having sex with someone new and go threw all that new stuff, rubbers, having to explain about myself-health wise, and just being nervous. With my husband its already out on the table, and its incredible, there is still a very strong connection between us and its very pleasurable. He agreed.

So as I was leaving, we kissed a little and hugged and he reminded me just how much he really did enjoy my company the other night and asked when was I going to but myself together. I replied with 1-2 months for the body and 2-3 for the mind. He smiled.

So my questions now are, How does someone with no self-esteem, confidence or believe in herself get all of this? How do I change my thinking patterns from negative and distructive to possitive and uplifting? I run on fear continuously, and it has made my life so empty and painful. Can I pray and believe that God will change me?

Any advise please advise!!!!!!!
Dreamer

[Liz]

Dear Dreamer,

There still seems to be a strong bond between you both. Who can tell if it is just sex, or if it is the connection and commitment of marriage holding you together? it's certainly not possible for any of us to be sure simply reading your postings.

I'm sure you are already changing, with what you have been through. Can you sit down and make a list of ways you have grown stronger and less dependent? Just think of how you have come through this time living without your husband, looking after your daughter. Yes perhaps it feels as if you have stumbled through it, but you have still got through it and shown great courage facing up to it all. Sometimes it takes courage to get out of bed in the morning!

From my own personal viewpoint I do believe that we can pray and God will change us. I believe he wants us to be whole healthy people. Do you have trusted friends who can walk alongside you and encourage you?

Liz :)