Bossy Husband/Father

[shari1359]

Although my husband has chosen NOT to have any type of relationship with either me or his children (ages 11 and 7), he feels he deserves ultimate respect because he is the man and the head of the house.

For example, the house must be clean and dinner on the table when he gets home from work (I also work full-time). 90% of his time at home is spent either yelling at me for "not doing what I'm supposed to be doing" or yelling at the kids. He never has anything nice to say to anyone and never has time to spend with any of us. Even when I'm sick, I still have to make sure everything is done.

I'm a full-time work at home mom with a wonderful job. In addition to this, I do all the housework, all the lawn work, help the kids study, paint/remodel on my own, manage the finances, take the kids to the doctor/dentist, get the groceries, plan the meals, take the animals to the vet AND, still manage to spend lots of quality time with my children.

My husband goes to work, eats dinner and watches TV. If he's not too tired, he may do dishes or mow the lawn, but, for the most part, he watches TV, reads magazines or plays on the computer.

I don't want to divorce, but, is there any way I can change this situation??

[Kate]

It sounds as if your husband has a very clear picture of what roles the man and woman should have in marriage, even if that picture doesn't match yours or many other poeple's. He's missing out on so much with you and the children, which he may well regret. How many men towards the end of their lives say to themselves "I wish I'd spent more time at work"! The usual regret is missed time in their relationships. Rob Parson's books The Sixty Minute Marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/sixtymin/) and The Sixty Minute Father (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/parenting/sixtyminfathbk/) are good thought provokers and readable literally in sixty minutes, hence their title.

Have you tried talking to him about how he sees his role as a husband? Did his parents have the roles of the woman stays at home with the children and the man goes out to work? Have you challenged him gently about what he thinks you are "supposed to do" when he yells at you for not doing it and what his contribution is or what he's "supposed to do" in your marriage. It could open up a conversation about roles in your marriage.

Have a look at the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) area of the site and see if you can find some ideas to open up your communication with each other. If you can affirm him for what he does going out to work to support the family, but gently point out that you would like him to take more responsibility at home with housework and the children. It may not be so in your case but sometimes men don't feel confident about relating to the children or doing jobs about the house. I'm not making excuses for him, just saying there may be other reasons for his behaviour than just pure laziness or selfishness.
Do you think he might go on a marriage enrichment course (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/)? Hearing other people's perspectives on marriage and being challenged a little to think about what married life is all about might begin to open him up to other ways of viewing married life, but more importantly it might remind him what a special lady he is married to!

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 22 May 2001).]

[shari1359]

Thanks for your reply. I have tried to get him to go to marriage counseling, but, he refuses. He refuses to see a priest. He even refuses to participate in our son's psychiatric therapy.

As far as the books go, that is a good idea, though, "been there done that". He can read them okay and quite quickly, but, doesn't follow anything that is said because he doesn't like to be "told what to do". This type of attitude pretty much permeates his whole existence as he has this attitude at work also. If his boss tells him to move faster, he deliberately slows down just to make him mad.

I have tried to explain to him how lucky he was to have a woman who actually WANTED TO WORK! I love my job. There are so many women out there who tell their husbands that they REFUSE to work. In fact, my sister-in-law refuses to work, so, my brother-in-law juggles two jobs. All he says to this is, if I quit my job, then he'll quit his and then we'll have no $ at all. Great....that didn't work.

I don't know. I'm running out of options here.

[Dave]

There is a beautiful old oak tree in a park near here that appears to have an iron seat embedded in it. The old tree could have decided to let the seat gradually strangle its growth, but it didn't. Instead the tree gradually just went on growing until the back of the iron seat was completely lost inside the tree.

From the little I can discern through your words I believe that your husband is struggling with Rejection - he constantly kicks against everything that is there to love and value him, looking to make it Reject him so that he can feel sorry for himself, and perversely prove himself "right". When he is told to work faster he goes slower, challenging those in authority to reject him. At home his behaviour towards you and the children is subconsciously designed to get you to reject him. He wants the "pleasure" of being the victim.

Dealing with people who struggle with rejection is a thankless and wearing task - but the key to success is to realise that to try to change them is to play exactly into their hands - he wants you (to continue) to try - it feeds his rejection. Instead, like that old Oak tree, the key is to go on giving in love. If you can change your perception of him, life will change beyond all measure because you will rob his grumping of its power!

Behind the grouchy cross words is the man you love - the special guy that you chose to marry, and for whom you carried two priceless children. Inside that man there is someone who is hurting or frightened in a very deep way - a helpless victim of his own twisted version of reality; someone whose self belief is at all time low, and who longs for you (or work, or the kids) to push him away so he can prove to himself that his perception is valid. Each time you complain, or try to change him, you feed this image. If instead you can hold in your mind the image of the man you love as frightened and in need of love, and treat him accordingly, then gradually your love, like the oak tree, will absorb the pain and the constraints.

I know this sounds crazy - and it will take courage and determination to carry it through, especially at first as he will treat any change with suspicion! You are clearly a determined and resourceful lady (your list of accomplishments shows that) but this may be the biggest challenge you will face - this is putting the promise of "for better of for worse" into action!! We cannot demand the partner we want, nor expect life to give us all the benefits we desire - the only decision is to BE the very best partner you can. Maybe you think I am asking too much of you - but somehow I think you have all you need to rise to the challenge…..

[shari1359]

Dave - all I can say is - wow. Are you a writer/poet by any chance.

Everything you said makes sense. Since I was married, my husband has longed to become a truck driver, but, because we had two young children at home, I discouraged it.

Well, I mentioned to him yesterday that I think he should go into truck driving, especially now that the kids are older. I told him that I think he would be a happier person if he was doing something he loved. Yes, he was quite surprised. I even took him out to dinner alone to discuss the subject, training, pros/cons, etc.

Needless to say, the rest of the evening with him was wonderful.

[Dave]

Shari

No, I'm not a writer or a poet - just the channel for a little divine inspiration on this particular occasion!!

So, now you've taken the next step and can see your special man in a new way. Now you need to give him the space to grow. I was struck by what you wrote - "I discouraged it...", "I think he should go into truck driving...", "I took him out to dinner..". However slow and stumbling his steps may seem to be, your role needs to be to encourage, to praise, to empower and to support him on his journey - beware letting your inate competence get in the way by controlling or directing.

It's a tough road ahead but it has started with a single step.

Good luck

Dave