infidelity

[mom157]

My husband has been lying about talking w/ an old female high school friend, he's 49. I found emails that says she loves him and doesn't know what to do about their situation. I confronted him w/ all this but now I don't trust him because he has told me at least twice before they no longer talk, but then I found they have again.How do I trust him? I want to keep the marriage, we have 3 small kids.

[Kate]

Dear Mom157,

It isn't easy to rebuild trust. You need to sort out your mutual understanding of trust and set some ground rules. One of the most important ones is to agree not to do anything that you are not willing to tell the other about. You might like to have a look at the article about re-building trust here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/).

It may also be worth reflecting on what attracted you to each other and what it is that enables you to experience the other's love. If you don't know how your husband experiences that he is loved, then ask him. It might be the things you say, or the things you do, or the attention that you give him, or surprise gifts, or affirmation. It may be that you like to be shown love in different ways. It's so important to know this, as much of our perception of how our relationship is getting on is based on our interpretation of the other person's behaviour.

Best wishes

Kate