Bi sexual spouse

[rmuang]

My wife told she is bi sexual after we've bee married for 1 and half years. I was so in shock and did not know what to think. I had an affair with her coworker. Lately she is seeking for someone with the same interest. I think she might becoming a lesbian. I try to get the truth from her but she said there is nothing going on. I don't know what to do. Please help.

[Dave]

Dear Rmuang,

Looks like you both have some issues to sort through here.

The first and most important thing to note is that when you got married you made commitments to each other that your marriage was both permanent (that is for life) and exclusive (that is that you would be faithful to each other). Whatever the sexuality either you or your wife now have a preference for, you have made promises to live for each other, and to not participate in extraneous sexual affairs.

You don't say in your post whether your wife is now revealing that she has always had lesbian tendencies, or whether this is something new. If this is new I suggest you both try to find some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) - it would suggest to me that she has concerns about your sexual relationship. This might be simply that she is seeking the deep emotional connection that many women want if they are to be deeply involved sexually (the fact that you have had an affair within the first year of marriage suggests to me that you are not really relating to your wife's deeper needs), or it could be that there is something in her past that that is causing her to fear or reject a sexual relationship with a man.

If your wife has always been lesbian but has only now chosen to tell you, then there are various organisations who may be able to suport and help you work through the issues such as the Staright Spouse Support Network (http://www.ssnetwk.org/).

[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 19 May 2001).]

[rmuang]

Originally posted by Dave:
Dear Rmuang,

Looks like you both have some issues to sort through here.

The first and most important thing to note is that when you got married you made commitments to each other that your marriage was both permanent (that is for life) and exclusive (that is that you would be faithful to each other). Whatever the sexuality either you or your wife now have a preference for, you have made promises to live for each other, and to not participate in extraneous sexual affairs.

You don't say in your post whether your wife is now revealing that she has always had lesbian tendencies, or whether this is something new. If this is new I suggest you both try to find some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) - it would suggest to me that she has concerns about your sexual relationship. This might be simply that she is seeking the deep emotional connection that many women want if they are to be deeply involved sexually (the fact that you have had an affair within the first year of marriage suggests to me that you are not really relating to your wife's deeper needs), or it could be that there is something in her past that that is causing her to fear or reject a sexual relationship with a man.

If your wife has always been lesbian but has only now chosen to tell you, then there are various organisations who may be able to suport and help you work through the issues such as the Staright Spouse Support Network (http://www.ssnetwk.org/).

[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 19 May 2001).]

Thank you for your kind words. I am the worst when it comes to relationships. How can I be get to know her needs?

[Dave]

Dear Rmuang,

Hey, don't put yourself down!! You can't be the worst at relationships - at least you have had the courage and openness to look for help - and that's a giant leap which many never dare to make! Have you shared with your wife that you have sought help and advice - it may surprise her!

Learning your wife's needs can be summed up in one word - communication! The trouble (and the joy) is that it takes a lifetime! There are some simple tools here at 2-in-2-1 - for example the article on Three practical tools to improve your communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffcommun/threetools/) might prove valuable.

How about trying a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) - most provide a real framework not only to learn and practice communication, but also provide a really constructive framework to do this in.

If you don't think this will be sufficient, then try counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) together so you can both unpack the deep issues that preventing your relationship reaching its full potential.

Good luck
Dave