Re: 2 wks trip with in law

[Trinang]

Help! I am having a headache over the 2 wks trips with my inlaws, who I tried to get along for the last 16 yrs until recently. I didn't want to go on a 2 wks long trip with them, because of many reasons. One of them is I don't feel comfortable to travel in an RV with 15people including his parents, sisters's family... He didn't want to go first, but with his family persuasion, he changed his mind, and asking me to go along with his wish. I told him about all the reason, but he insisted that I am selffish and now involving with the children who are 8 and 6 . They told him that they wanted to stayed home with me and my husband told that I brainwashed my kids to agaisnt him (even after we had a family meeting and many talks with him. I am desperated now. I am a homemaker... Thanks , please feed back asap , otherwise, I am get crazy. Thanks again

[Dave]

Dear Trinang,

Different attitudes towards our family of origin and the extended family are a common source of tension. Do you have a large close family?? It sounds as though your husband does, and he wants you and your children to be part of it - this may seem like the most natural thing in the world to him, but for you it clearly is not. It would be worth spending some time just exploring together your different backgrounds and how they influence your attitudes and behaviour. Differences don't make either of us right or wrong - we are just different, and that's OK!!

Next I think I'd spend some time really working through what it is that you find stressful or disagreeable about the trips, and what he finds so important. There is a really good book on negotiating called Getting to Yes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/yes/); it's not a marriage book, but it contains really good advice on how to find win-win solutions to challenges and how to avoid simply battering each other into submission.


What is it that is so stressful about the trips? Is it the lack of quality time for just you as a family? Is it travelling in the RV?? See if you can find some ways to jointly deal with the parts that are stressful rather than just escalating the arguement about whether you should go or not. For example, how about you take along the family car with you. That way you don't have to be in the RV (if that's a problem) and you could take some family trips out on your own, whilst still being part of his big family trip.

Finally, why not take some time for just the two of you to get away for some enrichment for your marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) - it sounds like you both could use some more romance and fun in your lives right now. There's loads of great programmes out there, and some time getting fit is just what you need!

Dave