Unfaithful Husband

[Maria]

Whilst on holiday last year I found out my husband was having an affair. I caught him on the phone one night talking to her and he didn't realise that I was awake (it was my daughters birthday, I wasdevastated, I couldn't believe it. I said nothing as I was too shocked. I heard him say he was only with me for the children really wanted to be with her. Anyways to cut the story short all the next day I was hinting at him that if anything was wrong we could sort it out, I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no. I exploded and called him a liar and he said she was just a friend that they hadn't actually slept together yet (ha ha). The next day he told me there was more, that he had been visiting prostitutes for the precious 3 years, I nearly lost the plot at this stage and couldn't believe it. It was one of the worst times of my life, but I just about got thru it and arrived home to find that he was having some sort of breakdown. He was crazy, bad-tempered, eventually he walked out 2 weeks later. I got him to see a shrink as I think all this was related to the death of him mother 6months previous. I have helped him as he thought he was going mad, thru it all and I have heard him say some terrible things about me. He seems to be coming thru it now and says he wants our marriage to work as he loves me. The trouble is I have been so hurt thru this and the pain is now only beginning to really sink in. I couldn't say anything to him previously as the Doctors said he was too fragile and were frightened that he couldn't cope. So all thru this drama I have not been able to say how I feel. I feel so emply and lonely and so sad that I don't know what to do. I feel so numb with pain that I now just want to stay in bed and do nothing each day. My husband works away during the week and I see no-one, my kids are at school and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy again, I don't think I want a physical relationship with my husband anymore, too much has happened, but I am afraid of making any final decisions. I also have to think of my kids, who are young. Please help me, I am so desperate. My husband stays with us weekends now and he feels like a stranger, he only left us for 1 month previously and I was a wreck. I think I could cope on my own but I have no family near me to help me.

[Kate]

Dear Maria,

You have been through a tough time, haven't you. It's not surprising that you are feeling so low.

I would suggest that you go and talk to your doctor to check out if you have depression and need some medication to help. You could also ask him/her to refer you for some counselling. You have been absorbing the pain and hurt for so long, you need some help to get through it.

It's probably not a good idea to make any long term decisions until you've had some help coming to terms with all this and can see clearly beyond the pain.

You might also consider taking up a new hobby, joining a club or doing something to get you out of the house and in contact with people. You probably won't find it easy, because starting soemthing new requires a lot of emotional energy, but if you can manage it, I'm sure it will help you to get life into a different perspective.

Don't give up hope on your marriage, but do go and get soem professional help - you deserve it!

Best wishes

Kate

[Maria]

Thanks, only yesterday I joined a gym, it nearly killed me as I am 1.5 stone overweight, but I thought hay I can't go on like this, I will help myself, but its hard. I will ring up a counsellor as I really do need help and can't get thru this on my own. I will let you know what happens.
Maria

[Rogue]

Hi Maria,
I could not believe it when I read your story. Mine is quite similar although as much as he feels remorse he seems to have no control over himself and continues to deceive me. What is wrong with these men!!??

My husband of 11 years I found out has been betraying me for about 3 years. It started just after we had our one and only child. He started going out with a work mate more often for dinners and then away for long weekends. I know this work mate of his who is also married with 2 children and a really naive wife. I used to work in the travel industry and travelled a lot. I had total trust in my husband which I feel he has taken advantage of all these years. I thought if I could be trusted why cant he and that was all I ever thought.

It seems that during the first trip away, they found this agency which promises "Instant Action" which is in fact what it was called. I found the ad in his wallet. Once they take out membership, they call into a members number and give their code then they are able to access whoever is available for a "date" at the desired time. They meet, if they like, they rent a pre designated hotel room for a couple of hours. After paying all that membership money (roughly A$1000.00/yr) do you really think they say see you later when they meet?? Anyway I did get that much out of him when confronted. He then had the hide to say to me "I think they are prostitutes" woopeee dooooo!

There is also the fact that this place the boys go to for a long weekend is also the home of an ex girlfriend who rings him continually. He always said they were just good friends and had been for about 20 years which I find nothing wrong with. But when the calls only go to his mobile phone, when she hangs up when I answer, when she seems to call about every couple of days, when he starts lying and says he has not heard from her for months when I know there is a call registered on his phone only a few days ago......well.......really... I must be stupid. Oh since I have been off work I started doing out bill payments and noticed there were a number of fund transfers to this persons account also. My husband is such a tight bastard, he would never lend money to anyone but there have been over 5 lots of transfers over a 1 yr period. Am I imagining things!! There is nothing going on......yeh! So.......this has been going on for a couple of years. We...I thought we had sorted things out last year around April when I confronted him finally with some proof and he told me a whole load of half truths and regrets etc. He did not do his customary (2 trips/yr) second trip in September but recently he booked another trip for May, to the same place. I told him I was not happy with him going but I also cant stop him and he looked me in the eyes and said nothing happens.......What?? Who is he kidding!

I now have high blood pressure and if it doesnt ease off my doctor is going to have to put me onto tablets. The anxiety is catching up with me since all this erupted last April. I first blamed myself for him straying but now I realise it is him and not me. I refuse to take the blame for his short comings. But on the other hand....what am I supposed to do. I have no family around to run to. Im on my own with a 5 yr old child and no job. Im so lost. So what is the solution. We can only rely on ourselves at the end of the day. I figure I have 2 choices. 1 - is to stay and wait till my child is older, in the meantime get the mortgage paid off as much as possible and do my own thing then leave when Im ready and take my fair share. I need to have strong focus to do this. Im sure councellers would not agree to this one. Option 2 - is to leave now and have nothing while im not in any state to argue for my share of property settlement and child. Which is a better solution??.

The gym works as great anger management. Keep it up. I also have a kick bag at home. My doctor wants me to see a counceller which I think I may have to just to sort out my options and help with my focus. I refuse to be weak for my child and my own sake. I just wish my body would agree with me.

Be strong and Good luck

[Maria]

Dear Rogue
Thanks for your reply. It is hard to go on and play at being happy again, I have done it for a year, but it is getting harder. We now are thinking of moving to another house, but really I don't know if I even want to share a house with him anymore. We have no physical relationship and it seems that was the start of all our problems, so he says, having a baby, being tired etc. He said he couldn't cope without sex, imagine, I was in bits after having our son and he couldn't wait. But youre right, it is not a reflection on me, him being unable to 'do without'. I know this is not my fault, even though he thinks it is all down to me. They live on cloud cuckoo land most of the time and seem to think everything should work around them. I have only realised that he is so bloody selfish and only cares about himself. I don't know what to do but I am getting stronger with each day, and realise that I don't need him anymore. In fact, I really believe I would probably be happier without him, but to make that break, I shall have to make sure financially me and children are sound. Anyway good look to you too.

[Unregistered]

to maria:
hi,i am new here. but i would like to say.
i to,have been married for 20 years now.
well,a year ago,i found out,my husband was having an affair on me,with his ex-wife.
i tell you,my world,at that point,turned upside down.
it was so sad,and awful.
to this day,i don't know why,he did this to me.
i did not deserve it.
you see,before this,he had gotten injured at work.
he had 2 back operations,then a heart attack,then cancer.
well,he could never work again.
however,he did get a settlement. but......
between his monthly check,i had to work. which i always have.
anyway,we bought a house in 98,and that's when it all started,or at least,that's what i think.
i don't know,it may have been going on for years.
but,before i could prove all of this. my life was a living hell,he treated me like a dog.
it took me 3 years to prove it.
he was with her during the day while i worked.
however,when i did get the nerve up to ask him,he did not deny it.
he told me,yes it was true. i said,well after all i have done for you.how could you do this to me?
he said,it's like this: i have always loved"my ex"no matter what.
he said,even before i met you,even now.
i said,well what about me,your wife now?
he said,i love you,but in a diffrent way.
can somebody out there please help me.
i mean,how can you love two people at the same time?
we are still together,but it will never be the same.
he will not talk about it at all. how do you deal with this,with no discussing it?
please help.