Longing for something - will it ever be there?

[Lynne]

My husband and I were separated for 8 months last year, headed for divorce, then I lost my job...and we started talking...

During the separation, things were so scary and I felt like I was going crazy, that I had married an abusive harsh man who thought very little of me. I had filed for divorce to protect me and my family - I read two books on abuse and started attending a support group. It was as though my eyes were opened and I had so much support, even with my family in VA and I am in TX.

All his friends and family thought I was crazy. He did start taking medication for anxiety attacks and depression, and something amazing happened. He started to calm down, not giving me harasing phone calls and such. I had hope.

Now, he has been home since last August when I lost my job. Things were good at first with me being the one who needed to break through the walls I built up during the separation. But now I see and feel the same ways I used to before and during the separation. I desperately want him to be able to understand me and care enough to start taking the meds again. He was sooo different and loving when he was on meds.

I don't even know if I love him...all I want is someone to really understand me...am I staying for the kids (now only 3 and 4)?? I don't want to wait until they are older to realize I have wasted my time trying to make one man see who I really am, and who may never see....

I am so very sad and lonely...

[Kate]

Dear Lynne,

You have hit on the heart of what relationship is all about, being understood and loved and accepted and knowing that you are. When our loved one fails to fulfil that need in us, the disappointment and loneliness can be devastating. For some of us that closeness seems to come easily and for others it has to be built step by step. It sounds as if your husband has some health problems. Has he stopped taking the medication because of medical advice or did he just do it himself? Have you tried encouraging him to see how much better he was on the medicine or to get him back to the doctor? Are you still able to talk?

It can be very hard to change the behavior of another, but I do believe that tenderness and love can begin to soften a heart. Do you know what he needs from you, how you could behave that would show him how much you care? Love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) is not simply about how we feel. I'm sure there are times when you don't feel loving towards the children or happy about the way they are behaving, but you act lovingly. Your feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/) are an indicator of whether your emotional needs are being met, but not good indicators for making decisions about the future.

Perhaps after your separation and all the pain of it, you both need to give your marriage a boost. You might consider a weekend away together (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). Some of these programmes like Marriage Encounter are available in the USA as well as in the UK.

Thank you for making your self vulnerable and sharing your feelings here. We know people read the postings here, but may not post themselves and what you have shared will have touched others.