View Full Version : husband shows no passion and no sex drive!
Rose
5th May 2001, 05:09 AM
for many years of our married life my husband has shown little interest in sex and lately i cannot cope with this. I have always fantasised about sex and although i have felt frustrated i have been resigned to the fact i am married to an unusual guy.
things changed for me when i started talking to guys on the net in a sexual manner and going into wrong chat room.
It has made me desire it even more and become more frustrated about my marriage, even contemplating an affair with a guy from the net.
I have tried talking to my husband but he will never change and refused me sex the other night.
i am desperate for a passionate sex life not one that consists of 20 minutes about once every two months.
i have been married for 19 years and have 3 teenager kids and have been a christian for about 20 years.
Any suggestions from anyone would be great I am desperate.
Rose
Kate
7th May 2001, 04:17 PM
Dear Rose,
As you say, your man is an unusual guy, but still very special since you have stood by him and loved him all these years. The difficulties that arise when one goes seeking sexual interest outside marriage is that it is easy to lose sight of the purpose of sex, which is the expression of love between a man and a woman in a committed and loving relationship.
It's not clear what you think is behind your husband's lack of interest in making love. Is it a physical thing that he is not easily aroused, or is it something psychological in the way he views sex perhaps because of something in the past or an attitude he has? Could he be struggling with the fact that you are a very passionate and physical person and he believes he can't meet your needs, so can't face the possibility of disappointing you?
It is usually the man who has the stronger sexual drive, and the first advice we would offer would be to be patient and try to work on the tenderness and physical closeness of your relationship without the agenda of intercourse, just building up your intimacy and trust. It will probably be important to your husband to know that you don't just want to make love to satisfy a deep need in you, but to express your love for him and give him pleasure. You say he will never change, but surely your aim should not be so much to change him, as to understand him and find a way forward together.
If your husband is not willing to talk then you could go to a specialist counsellor (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) yourself. This might help you to understand how you see sex and what it is you are looking for in a relationship.
Is your struggle simply with dis-satisfaction with your sex life or are you struggling with questions about your relationship in general? Does the fact that your husband doesn't want to make love leave you feeling unwanted or insecure? If this is the case then we would encourage you to do something for your relationship as a whole, an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), or explore some of our resources on building closeness and intimacy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/).
If you are worried about the lure of internet relationships, then there is a very good site to help with this (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69).
Jane
8th May 2012, 11:39 PM
Maybe men are changing or misunderstood? I'm about to be married and I too am experiencing a similar situation. We have talked about it and he just says that he is too tired. Difficult to accept when there is a large perception that men have a higher sex drive and are motivated by sex far greater than woman are supposed to be. My solution... keep myself busy so I have little time to think about it. Accept that he loves me.
Raymond
9th May 2012, 08:40 PM
Men do naturally have a high sex drive. Sometimes this is diverted to being gay or porn etc. and then they do not sexually desire their wives. I would check this out before you get married. He is unlikely to be gay but it can happen.
Another reason may be that it is against his conscience to have sex before marriage but he is too embarrassed to admit it to you.
Sex before marriage can actually be an inhibitor of sex within marriage in many cases. Keeping pure can have many benefits once one is married.
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