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Angel75uk
1st May 2001, 01:07 AM
I am a 25 year old mother of 3 who has been married for nearly 6 years. Our marriage has never been really great and as you hear so often we married too young. About 5 monthes ago things really nose dived. We were going through a bad patch anyway but I fell in love with one of my husbands best friends. I had feelings that I had never felt before (and Christians have told me recently that I have just forgotten what I felt for my husband and feelings aren't what is important anyway). Me and this other man got together behind my husbands back. We had an affair. I felt terrible. I told my husband but said I wanted to work at things and make them right...but I couldn't forget the other man.
I don't know what to do. I believe for my children the best thing to do would be to stay with my husband, but I really struggle with that. I can't stop thinking about the other man I have met. It makes the little insignificant things that my husband does to annoy me, huge insurmountable things.

I dream longingly of a happy family..that is what I want. But my attitude is way out of line. I can't give my husband a chance. I won't let him get back into my life because deep down I don't want him there.

I am so unhappy. I feel so silly but I keep crying all the time. My husband and I barely talk to one another and that is all my fault. He is so tired when he comes home from work and I just get so defensive, I won't let him get near me. Maybe I am afraid I will find out I really do love him underneath. I just get so fed up with his conversation. I hate the way I feel he judges me. Just spending any length of time with him really upsets me. It makes me feel useless, stupid and worthless. It is irrational for me to feel that way because I know that he loves me so much.

I feel trapped, in a cage. I can't get out because I think that is bad for the children but I just feel so bad. I end up resenting the children because I feel that they are keeping me in the cage.

I went to Spring Harvest hoping that someone would give me the permission to get out, but no one did, not even my Mum who has been there and knows how hard it can be. Even she said that I should wait until my youngest is 16. But what does life hold for me? That sounds so selfish and I hate myself even more for feeling that way.

I DO care for my husband. I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West for what I have done to him and how I have treated him. I feel I deserve to be punished...I deserve to be treated badly and maybe even feel that I deserve to stay with him. But at the moment he is very unhappy too...and yes you guessed it, I feel responsible for his unhappiness. I honestly don't know how to cope anymore.

My other man is right when he says that I shouldn't contact him anymore unless something changes but I miss chatting to him. I miss just chatting about mundane things, what we have been doing, computers, music, anything. I have got no one to chat with now. I can't bring myself to chat with my husband and when I do he invariably doesn't want to listen to me or he runs my opinion down.

I could tell my husband why I am upset and list the things that I think that he is doing wrong, but I feel that I have no earthly right to criticise him. If I did tell him, he would say that he would change and he would, but it never seems to last. I don't believe that a person can change their character long term and I am afraid of walking away from what I have with my other man on the basis that my husband has changed and is different and there is some scope for a relationship, only to discover in 6 months, 2 years time that I am back in the same position but without anyone. I couldn't cope with that.

At the moment I also resent my husband for not letting me chat to the other man. Although the other man has made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me unless there is some future in it and I can understand that. I miss him. I hate my husband...though he doesn't deserve that. And I hate the fact that everything is my fault...I have ruined everything.

(My children are 4 1/2, 3 and 1)

Liz
1st May 2001, 02:43 PM
Dear Angel,

Thank you for your openness, you've painted a vivid picture of the struggle women can go through in situations like yours.

I was at a Rob Parsons seminar last night. I wonder if you heard him at Spring Harvest - he was probably speaking at week 1 at Minehead. He reminded us all that every marriage goes through tough times when love seems impossible. His book Loving Against the Odds (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/loveodds/) has good practical advice for people who are facing hard times.

Feelings are important because they are a sign of what is going on inside us, but they aren't the whole story where love is concerned. Love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) is really an attitude and a decision that involves our feelings. Sometimes we love because of our feelings, sometimes we choose to love inspite of our feelings. Often deciding to love actually changes our feelings about things. It sounds sort of like you're struggling to decide to work at your marriage and act lovingly towards your husband. Meanwhile you're fighting against the desire to go for what may only be short term happiness with the man you've fallen in love with. That way will bring pain to all of you with no guarantees that things will always be wonderful and exciting with him. Most people end up having an affair with someone because they make them feel special, whereas things at home aren't like that. Could it be that you don't want to hear your own conscience and other people saying you should stay, because you fear it's going to be too painful.

Rob Parsons talked about the foundations of a marriage being acceptance and respect for one another. It's easy to want to change someone, but that is rejecting them - It's saying: you're not good enough. None of us are. We need to know we matter to someone and that we are accepted just as we are. That's what your husband needs first from you. The fact that you're irritated by things he says and does is not necesaarily his fault. Try to see the good in him, try telling him what you appreciate about him. You might just find your own attitudes changing and the atmosphere between you thawing. Yes there may be things wrong in your relationship, but you need too work on those together - you may be the one who has to be willing to change.

If you think there are big issues you need to sort out why not find someone to talk to, like a counsellor (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/contactcouns/), just to straighten things out in your own mind. Perhaps your husband will come along. When you've worked through that you might like to try an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). These are not counselling or for problem solving, they are meant to help couples who are committed to each other to build even stronger marriages. They look at communication, at what makes marriages work and give you time together to talk about what you want for your marriage. We get very little training for marriage, we set out on the journey and then we can easily lose our way.

Just a last thought, I can remember how tired and emotional I was when the children were small and demanding. Life seemed more about survival than fun and fulfilment. Try and get some help to get some rest, exercise and a break from the children, both on your own and with your husband. This stage with young children passes all to quickly, but it does take its toll on us.

Angel75uk
1st May 2001, 06:11 PM
Thanks for the reply.

We did go to Spring Harvest Week 1 at Minehead and we also got counselling as a couple there. I was really determined to come home and make the marriage work. There seemed like there was real hope, but when we came home to the pressures and the problems all my feelings were awoken.

I know this is so selfish but I am so unhappy in this position. I have tried to change my attitude, tried to love him but all my time and energy is taken up with my children and I have nothing more to give. In an ideal world yes I would like to have someone to help me with my children but that is a practical impossibility and even then would it make any difference.

We have tried but I just don't have the command of the words to be able to explain to my husband what I feel.

I feel now that it would be better if I wasn't here. I am the one causing the problem and hurting everyone. I hate that. Everything hurts, I have no one to talk to, everyone just judges. Yes I know that I have made some huge mistakes and I don't deny that I am responsible, but my husband doesn't take any responsibility for what is going wrong.

I told him yesterday that I couldn't see anything changing and I thought it would be better if I left. I suppose I thought it might provoke some discussion all it did was make things worse. He is now treating me like I am a piece of dirt...I deserve to be treated that way but it hurts.

He scared me yesterday, he is learning to drive and I am supposed to be teaching him. He thinks he can drive though and for the pasts few years that I have been 'teaching' him he has listened to nothing I have said. He says he can drive better than me and doesn't accept that if anything goes wrong it is my responsibility. No matter what I say he always wants to drive...everywhere we go. Yesterday the children were in the car and he drove like a mad man. He said I was just fussing but we nearly crashed. I feel like I am a nothing who obviously has no opinion worth listening to and no feelings that mean anything to him. I hope this illustrates how hard things are at the moment. Things are fine when he isn't here. I can cope with life as long as I don't think about the mess. But when he is home from work things are unbearable.

I really feel that I can last no longer.

Sorry I have waffled...but I have no one else to talk to. I probably haven't said what I meant to and this probably isn't the place to air my lifes woes. Just don't know what else to do.

My husband is NEVER violent towards me or the children. He has many good points. I have had good times...mostly when I didn't disagree with him. I think I could have carried on with this marriage like I have for the last 6 years if other people hadn't confirmed that they thought Merryn was treating me badly.

Just before I got married a Christian friend of mine told me that I must not feel that I had to get married because no one else would love me, I cried inside because I knew that was what I felt but I did get married because I was afraid of being alone...and Merryn was a good man and he was the only Christian mand I knew. I was only prepared to marry a Christian. I wish I had listened to my friend. It would have saved years of heartache and now this dreadful mess. But it is no longer just about me...I have got three children to think about.

Just don't know what to do. I want to leave. I have had enough. But is that just being selfish.

Liz
1st May 2001, 10:51 PM
Dear Angel,

If you have no-one to talk to that's what this forum is here for. It's checked every day by the team here.

No-one is here to judge you. None of us know exactly what you're facing. I can just remember how overwhelming things seemed when my children were small, and how easy it was to get depressed. Although it was a huge effort it helped to get out to toddler groups and nurseries or even just to drag them out for a walk or take them down the park for a change of scenery. Is there any way you can share how tiring you're finding the children with your husband and ask for his help?

Is there no-one at church who you can ask for help either emotional or practical, or to pray for you? We all need a bit of support and a helping hand at times in our lives.

You talk about the possibility that a strong motive for getting married was because you didn't want to be alone. We all want to matter to someone, but I've learnt over the years that my husband can't supply all my needs and that my security has to be in God. There are lots of promises in the bible which you can hold onto each day, Psalm 139, 23, John 14, Romans 8v1. It sometimes helps to just take one verse at a time and let the truth of it sink into you. Then you will begin to see yourself as God sees you, not in the negative way you see yourself.

He loves you and wants to help you.

Angel75uk
2nd May 2001, 07:30 PM
Thanks again for your reply.

I really felt the past few days that I could go on no more in my marriage and I explained this so my husband. He just withdrew and said nothing until today. He said things had to change. He couldn't cope anymore with the situation and if I couldn't love him then there was no other option but to split up. I suggested a temporary separation...I thought maybe try out the theory that absence makes the heart grow fonder. He then dropped it on me that | couldn't take the children.

Before he has always said that he wouldn't fight me for custody of them, but that has changed now. Even if I wanted to leave temporarily he will not let me take them with me. I am now completely trapped. I can't leave..I love my children, they are more important to me than anything. I just don't know how I can go on living with him. I have asked God to change my heart, I just can't change it. I am lost...I don't know what to do.

It seems my only option is to go back to what I have done for the last 6 years, grin and bear it. Pretend that the problems aren't there and try to be happy. I know you will say that maybe if we faced the problems together then we could do something about them...but we have been trying that and it hasn't worked. I now also have to deal with the fact that he thinks he can do a better job of parenting the children than me. He thinks that I am not a good enough mother. That hurts more than anything else.

I know that he can't really stop me leaving anyway but the thought of a long, drawn out custody battle terrifies me. I hate to think of what that might do to the children, I have enough problems day to day dealing with feeling inadequate as a Mum without having someone telling me all the things that I do wrong and why I AM unfit to be a Mum.

Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I have to stay in this marriage no matter what. I really hope not but I can see no real way out now.

Please help.

Liz
2nd May 2001, 11:13 PM
Dear Angel,

I know everything seems to be on top of you and your self-worth is getting very low, but it comes through that you have given up on things. I think that you need to find some help nearer home as well as talking to us through the forum. have you looked up the bits from the bible I suggested, can I add John 8 v 10-11?

I presume that since you are both Christians that you have a church you go to. Can you not approach your minister for help? You need someone who has the time to listen to you and talk things through with you. Even better would be someone who knows your husband and can talk to you both, even if not at the same time, and then bring you together, because all your communication at present seems to bring you into conflict.

It sounds as if you've got very much down in a hole and lost hope and lost sight of your own value as a person. If you can't believe there is a constructive way forward then try and find someone who will stand with you in it. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by a problem and then just dig yourself deeper and deeper into it. That's what I sense you are doing although I only have your postings to go on.

What I'm going to say next may sound hard, but I think that things are not getting better because you are still wanting to go off with the other man and don't really want to make things work with your husband. If I have got this wrong please forgive me, but please go and get some help face to face with someone locally.

Keep in touch.

[This message has been edited by Liz (edited 03 May 2001).]

Angel75uk
4th May 2001, 03:58 PM
Thanks again for replying. Everything you have said has made sense...I just don't seem able to deal with anything. I am going to try and find someone to talk to, however I live in a very small and isolated community so it is not easy. I do have one friend that I can talk to and when I got myself in a real mess last night, I phoned him and he was a great help.

The other man is out of the picture now..I still can't help thinking about him, but that is only a fantasy and I am stuck in real life. I have decided that I have to ( for the 100th time) give my marriage another go. I have spent the last two days trying, but I can only pretend. My husband doesn't want to carry on with the marriage unless something changes. He needs love, he feels lonely and fed up. If I am to stay here then I have to meet his needs. I just find that really hard to do.

So I am pretending, it is what I did reasonably well for the last 6 years and sometimes I can even convince myself that everything is fine. So that is what life holds for me.

Sorry, bit depressed...all that stuff sounds horrible.

Trying to keep busy, and not think too much.

Liz
4th May 2001, 06:14 PM
Angel,

I'd really like to send you a copy of that book, Loving Against the Odds. If you'ld like that then go to the left hand bar on this page under Resources and click on "Contact Us" and send the team your mailing address.

Sometimes we lose hope, and don't believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That's when we need someone to stand in the darkness, who can hold onto that hope for us. Don't despair.

Angel75uk
5th May 2001, 12:24 PM
Thanks for the kind offer, but we already have a copy of that and many other Christian marriage books. We have tried everything to make things work and I am now becoming resigned to the fact that, maybe through a weakness in me, we cannot make the marriage work. At the moment it is impossible for me to cope with day to day life because I have let everything get on top of me. So I have decided to get away for a while and I am going to stay with some friends. While I am there I while hopefully find someone to talk to and get some help.

Thanks for all that you have done.