husband's hobbies

[fufuw3]

I have been married for seven years. My husband started playing computer games about a year ago. It has been an ongoing battle for the entire year. We have three kids and both work full time. But when we come home my job doesn't end I am resposible for everything! He spends everyone moment he has on the computer.It has hurt our marriage severly. He keeps telling me he will help me but it usually only last a week. I feel all alone and don't know what to do. I feel that all he is is a weight added to my work load. I don't knoe what to do to get him to help me? i have done all I can.:(

[Liz]

You say that you have tried everything. Have you tried drawing up a rota of jobs for each of you? Make sure he gets some jobs that affect him like ironing his shirts or cooking a meal and if he doesn't do them, make sure you don't either. If it's the meal, then make something for yourself and the children if he forgets and leave him to fend for himself.

You could try agreeing a quota of time that is his time on the computer and try and make sure it's switched off at other times. Can you try and get him interested in some other hobby or get out in the evenign for a time as a family.

It's not easy when a person gets addicted or fanatical about anything, but encouraging him to ration his time with the games would help.

There's always the idea of trying to get away together perhpas on a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), to break the cycle of being at home and playing the game.

Just a few ideas. Hope they might give you something new to try.

Liz

[fufuw3]

I have tried all those things. It just seems to be at the end of a hard road now. He would help for about a week then lillte by little it would get back the same way. I am tired of being put 2nd and the kids too. It is like he is a different person when he is playing his games like he is in his own world. I also don't like his attitude towards me when I try to talk to him and the way he thinks that we are not having problems or that I am making a big deal over a computer.Well it's not just a computer it's my life and I don't want to raise my children theis way and I don't want them to think it is o.k to live like this. I want together time. I want someone to want ot be there for me and the kids not to do things just because I told him to. I have talk with him several times and nothing seems to make a difference. I don't even know if I want to work it out or keep trying anymore

[Kate]

Hi there

Have you really tried an enrichment weekend? Which one did you try? They are usually really helpful and of course there aren't any computer games to play on them.

It sounds as though the heart of the matter is that your husband doesn't realise what it is you want from him. You're struggling with being taken for granted and unappreciated. You've told us that you want him to be there for you. You judge that he can't really care or he would make the effort, but he's actually developed a sort of addiction. Have you managed to tell him what you've told us in the postings? How about trying to write down how you feel and what you would like him to do to show that he loves you and then leave the note for him - or since he's into computers then why not send him an email?

How about trying to take an interest in the games that he's playing and trying to find out why he enjoys them so much and what he gets out of spending so much time on the computer. That may sound like surrendering to the enemy, but isn't that what's really wrong with your present situation. Your relationship has turned into a conflict instead of a commitment to understand and want what's best for each other. Perhaps it seems to be you doing all the giving at present, but isn't your marriage and you and your children's future worth the effort of persevering?

Don't give up - I'm sure that you love him and are committed to him, but you're struggling with being taken for granted and unappreciated.

Kate

[fufuw3]

I have told him all the things I have told you. We are very good at communicating. Yes my kids future his worth sveing that's where I am now at. I am at a cross road do I raise my children in this enviroment with their father never around anyways or do I move on and try to start over to make thier lives better. I have watched the computer I know all the people he is playing with. I work nine hours a day the kids come with me and go to daycare where I work I don't have time to sit in front of the computer and watch him yell at it or for him to say "what do you want" I have already made all the sarfices in my life Children are my world I am a teacher and a great mom My whole world revolves around them not just them but my family. I grew up in a very bad home and I don't want that for my children. I think he is spoiled and needs to grow up. and I guess he is giong to have to make the decision on where he wants to be. I do love him but I have also lost so much in the last year. There is only so much loneliness someone can take.I have been threw raising the kids on my own and have struggled with colic ear infections and surgery alone it is like he lives in his own world. He says he loves me but I say actuons speak louder than words prove it!