Confused about Marriage

[Angie]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have a one child together and another on the way. A year and a half after our marriage my husband asked for a divorce and left. I accepted the fact that he didn't want to be married anymore. So, I began to move on with my life. A friend that I worked with and have known for 6 years started to get close. He was married and I didn't want any kind of relationship with him but a friendship. I would call him a lot to talk. And one day after work he kissed me. I had know reaction. Than my husband asked to come back. I was really confused on what he wanted. I was scared that he would leave me again. But I took him back. I still stayed friends with "Joe". My husband later thought that I was having an affair. Which I wasn't. Everything pointed to an affair. I got sick of the accusing and left. Than I asked to come back. In the meantime I found out that I was pregnant. My husband doesn't believe that the baby is his and wants a paternity test. I told him that was fine. We have some really good days and some really bad days. Some days he calls me up and accuses of everything else all over again and tells me to get out of the house. I love my husband so much and I don't know what do to. I quit my job and have done everything that he has asked me to do. But it isn't enough. I just want things to be okay. We have gone to counseling and it didn't work. Please help me to get my husband to trust me again. I know it will take time. But I am sick of being accused of having an affair everyday.

[Kate]

Dear Angie,

Life sounds as if it's a bit of a roller coaster, very up and down. Since things seemed to go wrong early in your marriage, it sounds as if you still need to lay more foundations. Have a look at some of the material in The Early Years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) area of the site, which looks at some of the basic things that knit a couple together.

You might also consider doing the Prepare/Enrich sample questionnaire (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/couplequiz1/), which may give you some pointers. You can contact the organisation itself and do the full questionnaire which gives a slightly different approach to counselling - it's more of a diagnostic to identify areas in your relationship that need attention.

If counselling didn't work another possibility is an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), which is more about getting to know each other better rather than solving issues. It gives a stronger foundation to face the ups and downs.

You've started your family very early on in your marriage and that can put strains on you as you've hardly had the chance to adjust to marriage life and that does take some adjusting.

The suspicion of an affair is more a symptom than the real issue for your marriage, which I suspect is the early growing together in that first year and a half you were married. Perhaps you need to find an opportunity to talk to your husband about how he sees marriage and what he expects of it and you. You can't turn yourslef inside out trying to please him - you need to know what it si he is looking for. Don't forget to sahre your own expectations and hopes for marriage. You don't have to fufill these for each other necessarily, but at least it helps you both to understand the way you are reacting to things.

The trust will come when you begin to understand and accept each other.