The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs
By Peggy Vaughan
Why it's everybody's business
One reason affairs are everybody's business (regardless of whether or not they are directly involved) is because all of us are responsible for the factors in society that contribute to them. These societal factors will be discussed in Chapter 2, and the final chapter contains suggestions about how to work toward diminishing this societal support for affairs.
Another reason for gaining a greater understanding of monogamy and affairs is to make things better for our children and the generations to follow. We need to question what we're teaching our young people about honesty as long as we perpetuate a belief in the Monogamy Myth.
The most immediate reason we need to be informed about affairs is because no one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life. Traditionally our attitude has been that unless it touches us personally, we deal with it by ignoring it, denying it, or condemning it. Unfortunately, this does nothing either to help deter affairs or to deal with their consequences. If we're to be the kind of caring, compassionate society we aspire to be, we can't turn our backs on the countless people who are suffering alone.
While much of the focus of dealing with affairs is on couples who are married, unmarried couples struggle with many of the same issues of trust and commitment. The problems created by affairs and the reactions of the people involved readily apply to any couple in a committed relationship, so the ideas about monogamy and affairs discussed in this book are relevant for all couples, regardless of their marital status.
The assumptions about monogamy supported by the Monogamy Myth have made it extremely difficult for most couples in a committed relationship to openly discuss the subjects of monogamy, sexual attraction to others, and outside affairs. But I've seen in my own life what a difference it can make when you're willing to face these issues realistically. I'm not saying it's easy, because there were times when I didn't think we would make it.
But I do know one thing: the day my husband told me about his affairs has become very important for us, in many ways more important than our wedding anniversary. While it was a day that turned my world upside down, it's one that we still celebrate today, after all these years. It's not the day itself we're celebrating; rather, it was the honesty that began that day. It resulted in our making a commitment to be honest about all important issues affecting our relationship. When I think how far we've come, I know there's hope for others in gaining a new understanding of affairs—and surviving them.
Copyright © 1989, 1998 Peggy Vaughan
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