Review of Smart Marriages Conference, 2001

By Harry Benson

Other comments of interest

1. Two family court judges in Michigan, Jim Sheridan and Helen Brown, told us that they were fed up with 5% of their cases taking up 95% of their court time. They have recently tried out a form of marriage education, called "Focused Mediation", on their toughest and most warring couples. The effect has been dramatic. Some couples had literally hundreds of "court dockets" filed before mediation. Since then, almost none of the couples have reappeared in court over the last year and several couples have actually reconciled. Although the mediation method is claimed as unique and innovative, my strong suspicion is that it is essentially a good communication course under a different name. Nonetheless, it has proven highly effective and some of you may want to take up the idea with friends in the legal profession. Sheridan also pointed out an interesting requirement of US marriage celebrants. In some states they are "authorised" rather than specifically "required" to marry couples. He suggested we invite celebrants to explain why they are marrying couples at great risk to future taxpayers without proper education beforehand. Would this apply to the UK? Maybe some of you know. You get more of the punchy flavour of Jim Sheridan by hearing how he finished his talk: "The state is now providing the structure and discipline for adolescents, such as through the Navy or prison, that married families provide for free…do you now wonder why I’m involved in this business?"



2. Oklahoma state officials have also got fed up with having the 2nd worst divorce rate of any state in the US. Taking their lead from the effectiveness of church-based Marriage Savers policies in the wider community, they have set a target of reducing statewide divorce by 1/3rd by 2010. They are implementing a far-reaching and ambitious plan to make marriage education widely available through skills-based courses and marriage support through older "mentor" couples. Those involved told us about their policies, evaluation methods and expectations in some detail. Suffice to say that Oklahoma is the target for every "libertarian" and sceptic longing for them to fail. They are however clear that success will not provide the kind of academic proof that their policies work. Scott Stanley, one of their advising psychologists and a leading marriage educator, wryly remarked that there will be no trouble randomly selecting another state as the control group! If you didn’t get the joke, just be happy that you’re not a science nerd! If you want to know more of what they are up to, let me know. Those implementing community policies should follow their lead closely.



3. In the opening address to the whole conference, Bill Doherty also talked of the risks we face from a throw-away consumer culture. This makes us more ready to break marriage vows when times are tough, or mundane, or when there are better offers. But it could also affect the marriage movement in unhealthily comparing courses and point-scoring. He especially stressed the need for community support for marriage and more family rituals. One striking observation was the relative absence of importance attached to wedding anniversaries. He suggested we make great play of anniversaries within communities as part of the wider intentionality of valuing marriage.



4. Amongst a fascinating review of 30 years of research, Scott Stanley made some interesting observations. People do not report their own behaviour accurately. Negative interaction is more important in predicting the success of relationships than the positives. Telling couples about the importance of communication does not change how they interact. Finally, we should "listen to what tells your mate you love them".