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   Home  > Articles

You've Got to Have the Right Parts, "Communication in Marriage". Part 6

By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families

Empathy

What is empathy? (Synonyms-compassion, fellow feeling) Empathy is feeling what the other person feels or at least it's an approximation of feeling what the other person feels. Esau called it "temporary identification - a process that takes far longer to describe than to occur. When you're watching American football games on television this fall, take a good look at a field goal play especially one that's extremely long when the game's on the line. After the kick is over, viewers often see a replay of the coach's reaction. If his player has been successful, the coach will break out in a grin. He may throw his arms up in the air in joyous celebration. Let's say the kick just hits the crossbar and bounces back. This time the camera focuses on the anguish of the coach. He doesn't participate in either play, but he feels the emotions of his players. That's empathy.

We practice empathy in dozens of ways. We all send out non- verbal signals to indicate our feelings and the empathetic person learns to read them - a blush, a frown, a tight lip, folded arms, even tears. We respond to those cues even when we are unaware of what we are responding to. Some people call this recognition intuition or gut-level feelings and want to dismiss it as unreliable. Of course we can misread those subtle forms of communication, but we are apt to lie more with our lips than we do with our non-verbal signals.

It is this kind of empathy that enables a mother to understand her child. Even the newborn infant communicates inner experiences and feelings both vocally and through body language. If you don't believe this just spend some time watching the different ways a baby let's the parents know what they need. The mother can know the difference between an "ache" cry, a "hungry" cry and a "mad" cry. You probably won't be able to do that, but she is empathetic toward her child. It is interesting to note that God uses this illustration to describe his empathy toward us. In Isaiah 66:19 he says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." As the infant develops physically and emotionally, the empathy becomes a two way street.

In marriage, partners learn to read each other's non-verbal signals and respond to each other on the basis of those readings. Each partner learns to feel with the other and arrive at an educated guess as to what he or she is experiencing. Many husbands and wives can tell from the sound of a footstep, the way the front door is closed, or how a coat is hung up (or not hung up) what kind of day a spouse had.

We have been married almost 40 years. It would be difficult to say when we first noticed we could pick up on one another's cues and respond accordingly. One of us can start a sentence and the other might finish it. We might even be thinking something and the other one respond to what was being thought. It is spooky sometimes, but neat. That is what is meant by empathy in the deepest sense.

What we've just talked about is really only the first step in using empathy effectively. The second step is to use communication to clarify what you are only guessing is the other partners feelings. Many times trouble occurs as a result of the couple stopping at the first stage and not moving on to the verbal communication stage. You've got to check out those gut-level feelings.

Introduction

Valuing


In this article
- Introduction
- Empathy
- Valuing
- Loyalty
- Sexuality

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- Getting our Baggage Unpacked, "Communication in Marriage". Part 5
- Are You sure You want a Christ Centered Marriage?, "Communication in Marriage". Part 7
- Love is Something That We Do, "Communication in Marriage". Part 4
- Strangers in Many Ways, "Communication in Marriage". Part 8

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