Growing Together :
By Roger & Carol
Carol's story .....
We had been married for six years and God had blessed us with three children. I felt our marriage was a happy one, not without its ups and downs like most marriages, and perhaps weak in the area of communication, but a busy lifestyle didn't help this. However, I was quite unprepared for what my husband was about to disclose to me.
We had our usual busy evening with the children and when they were finally all tucked up in bed, my husband said, "Come and sit down, I want to talk to you." My heart missed a beat! There was such a seriousness about the way he said it, but I had no idea what was to follow. He went on to tell me about his homosexual feelings and the battle that had raged inside him since his teens. Often these desires were so great that they led to homosexual acts. He explained that this area was still a great problem for him and his hopes of the problem receding after our marriage were unfulfilled.
I amazed myself at my initial reaction. I was able to sit quietly and listen to what he had to say, realising that it was a very hard thing for him to do. I felt compassion for him, but after listening carefully I left the room and was then overcome by all kinds of feelings. I felt shocked, cheated and full of self pity. I was now unable to feel sorry or compassionate for my husband as I was completely taken up with working through my own anguish and pain. I spent hours crying and was so distraught that first night I had to sleep in the single bed in the spare room. I couldn't believe I could have been married to him for six years and never know that he was struggling with such strong feelings. This probably shows a lack of insight on my part, or a good cover up on his part, or both!
For months after the initial disclosure, our marriage relationship deteriorated. The whole area of homosexuality had come up like a brick wall between us. I couldn't face the physical sexual side of our marriage for some time, as my mind flooded with all kinds of things.
My husband had help from TfT and he gave me many leaflets and books to read. These all helped me to gain a greater understanding of homosexuality and to realise that it was a sin like many others sins, but not necessarily any worse. "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23). My husband wanted to gain victory over this area of sin, but I came to understand that it would be a long, hard journey. It was helpful for me to think of it as an addiction. A behaviour that was ‘learned' and a cry for love that was lacking in his relationship with his own father.
It was suggested that he be honest and share with me when he was going through difficult times. This didn't really work, as when he was struggling with homosexual feelings and temptations, he couldn't really talk about them and sometimes when he did, I reacted in an unhelpful way by recoiling from him. At times I felt despair, as for a while all would be well and then suddenly we hit difficult times again. As I considered the Lord's long-suffering and forgiveness, I felt challenged and recognised that I needed to forgive again and again and be more understanding and compassionate. The struggle had been long and hard, but by God's grace and love, He has helped me through and strengthened my faith and our marriage as a result.
My husband was involved with a TfT support group and for a long time my feelings fluctuated about this. I was pleased that he was receiving help, but felt angry that all the attention was focussed on him and that no-one really seemed to care about me. This wasn't really true, but appropriate help wasn't available.
I have now worked through a lot of my feelings and by God's help corrected wrong attitudes. I now feel a great concern and pain for others struggling with homosexuality. Naturally I have a particular concern for wives whose husbands are struggling in this area, for I recognise that being able to share the pain with someone who understands really helps.
For further support in the UK contact True freedom Trust
