Supporting The Families Of Adults experiencing Gender Discomfort and Transsexualism

By Bernard Reed

Families' Need For Support

Families' support for gender dysphoric and transsexual people is vital. Poor support has been shown to make it more likely that trans people will regret their transition to a new gender role, post surgery.

However, families themselves also need support if they are to be able to help their trans loved one. Families' own needs are often neglected by the gender identity clinics that treat trans people, even deliberately. Family members are subjected to extreme stress, especially partners. Typical reactions to the news of a loved one's gender dysphoria, especially if it has already been confirmed as transsexualism, include,

• shock
• guilt
• pain and grief
• betrayal
• losing control
• anger
• embarrassment and shame
• fear, for self and loved one
• possibly religious concerns

In cases where the transition occurs late in the trans person's life, it often involves partners/spouses and children, which greatly aggravates relationship difficulties. The partner/spouse may feel betrayed, especially if told late in the decision-making process. If the trans person has children, the partner/spouse will be deeply concerned about the effect on them. The partner/spouse may be deeply concerned about being labelled lesbian or gay and, perhaps, having to face the problems of a sexually unfulfilling relationship.

Nonetheless, for some families, there may also be relief that a mystery has been solved. They may, for many years, have wondered and worried about some inexplicable ways in which their loved one has behaved.

Almost invariably, families will not know the best way to respond. Their initial shock and resistance to the idea of transsexualism are understandable reactions. They do need to be convinced that this is the right path for the person they love. However, the search for easy solutions is usually fruitless. It is unlikely, and perhaps unsafe, for an adult trans person to change his or her mind and revert to the initial gender role and presentation. Trying to persuade the trans person to delay transition may be very harmful. Very probably, the trans person has already reached crisis point before telling the family. Once the trans person begins to tell people about the intention to begin transition, it is impossible to keep it a secret.

In their anxiety, families often fail to recognise that the trans person and his or her love for other members of the family remain unchanged. The trans person will be acutely aware of the pain that this situation causes other family members and feeling deep sorrow about that. However, family members need to be aware that the trans person is driven by an overwhelming need to live in accordance with his/her innate gender identity, while remaining reliant on the family's acceptance, listening, understanding, advice, support and, above all, love.

Nonetheless, it is true that trans individuals may become entirely self–focused through the transition process. Society often places major obstacles in their way and overcoming them requires determination. They may feel that have spent their entire lives pleasing everyone else; now it’s their turn. They will want their families to be happy for them. Sometimes, they will have difficulty in understanding why their families are not enthusiastic about this transformation.