When You Lose The One You Love
By David & Maureen Brown
Coping with Grief
Physical and Emotional Demands
The stress of grief makes enormous physical and emotional demands upon us especially if we have been left alone without a partner. Stress also makes us accident-prone. That’s why it’s very important to take extra care and cosset yourself. Be sure to keep warm. Try to eat nourishing meals even though you may either have little appetite or find yourself eating too many sweet things for comfort. Take extra rest even if you can’t sleep. Accept that your normal daily pattern won’t be the same. Make your bedroom really comfortable and take hot drinks to bed with you. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself treats. Fresh air and exercise will help you to relax and reduce tension far better than turning to drugs and alcohol. But if you are worried about your health in any way, or you have a persistent complaint, you should consult your doctor.
Share Your Fears
As we grow older we may become beset by fears. In bereavement we may experience the return of childhood fears as well as new fears; fear of the dark; fear of the unknown future; fear of having to move house; fear of not being able to cope with household chores, finances, the garden or pets, the fear of being alone after many years of loving companionship – perhaps the greatest fear of all is having to face our own death. Fears are real but can be shared; the support of your family and friends will help to quell these.
Keep Up Your Contacts
If you have any grandchildren or distant relatives, write to them frequently; or write to friends. Plan ahead, try to have something in your diary for the next month, write your memoirs, keep a diary – that’s a good idea because it will help you to measure your progress through grief. Write down the history of interesting family possessions; write down your own family traditions – these will be of interest to future generations. Keep up contact with friends and if they live some distance from you, arrange to stay overnight when you visit; invite your friends in for coffee or tea. Find out about local groups, social clubs, day centres and adult education classes – your local library will have details. Offer to baby-sit for the young couple in the next house. Think about the companionship of a pet; think about having a holiday. If needed, get in touch with the organisations that offer help in bereavement.
PRACTICAL DO’S AND DON’TS
DO: -
Choose a funeral director with whom you feel comfortable.
- Express your emotions – it won’t help to hide your feelings.
- Please talk about what has happened with your family or a close fiend or a sympathetic group.
- Take great care of yourself. Do eat properly. Do rest.
- Do guard against possible accidents in the home.
- Make sure your home is secure.
- Be sure to consult your doctor if your health is a worry.
- Use a hospital Bereavement Help-line if you need support.
- Remember to call CRUSE, the Samaritans or other agencies.
DON’T:
- Let your family or friends hurry you into making decisions until you are really – such as clearing out all your partner’s belongings before you are ready to tackle that task yourself or with the help of someone else.
- Enter into any financial arrangement you don’t understand.
- Turn to drugs, alcohol or smoking.
- Allow the funeral to be rushed or unnecessarily expensive.
- Move home whilst you are still grieving.
- Hurry the healing process; take it at your own pace.
This article came about through the death of a loved one and we would like to thank the Surrey and Sussex Healthcare Trust for permitting us to use parts of their ‘Guide for Bereaved Relatives and Friends’.
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