Affairs
By Blaine Powell
Three Stages of Healing
Spring (1997) identifies three stages of healing. Her book guides individuals through each of three "minefields" as she calls them.
Normalize Your Feelings
The pain and confusion experienced when the affair is first revealed will likely create a multitude of feelings, personal and relational conflicts, and confusion. The goal of this stage is to normalize your reaction to the affair and then provide you with a language for talking about the infidelity. Normalizing your reactions is the first step in overcoming the numerous losses you may be experiencing such as:
- loss of stability, peace, comfort, trust, and joy;
- feeling insane, angry, depressed, scared; and
- questioning marriage vows, ideals, values, and beliefs.
- Decide Whether to Recommit or Quit
Spring (1997) states that in order for your emotions to settle down, you must first discover whether you want to make the relationship work, or end the partnership. This requires self-examination by both partners. As well, ideals that you have held dearly must be addressed and their importance now re-evaluated. For example, marriage is forever, love conquers all, or trust cannot be regained.
If you decide to recommit, go to a Counsellor. If you decide to quit, go to a mediator.
Rebuild Your Relationship
Once both partners have made their decision to recommit, then the long road to recovery may begin. This can take months and often years to regain a sense of trust, safety, intimacy, companionship, and sex that was once part of the relationship. At this stage strategies to help you recover from the affair are important to learn (Humphrey, 1987; Karpel, 1994; Spring, 1997; Vaughn, 1998) and often a therapist can assists the couple to be successful. Everything from understanding the meaning of the affair and sharing responsibility for it, to becoming sexually intimate again can be addressed in therapy.
While some couples may not need therapy, it is a wise idea to consider going to a therapist to at least get started on the recovery process. I usually recommend that couples spend individual and couple time in therapy. After you feel the relationship is on the road to recovery, then periodic check-ups, or what I refer to as "tune-ups" will likely keep your recovery process on track. From time-to-time it may be necessary to talk with a therapist to help guide you further and to ensure you don't get too far off track.
