Thirty Tips to Build a Strong Marriage
By David Sunshine
Tips 11 - 20
11. Set Boundaries Respectfully
When you want to refuse your partner’s requests, do so in a quiet yet firm way. For example, suppose that your spouse wants to talk to you about a non-pressing matter at a time when you’re busy with something urgent. A soft, yet assertive “I can’t talk now — I’m in the middle of something” will save you from having to raise your voice.
Learning to talk respectfully but assertively will reduce the decibel level in your home, and it will prevent many disagreements from snowballing into major conflicts.
12. Be Loving
Be affectionate. Open up and express with words your love for your spouse. People need to feel loved, so be sure your mate hears these words often.
13. Don’t Compare
Don’t compare your partner to others. There is always someone else who will seem better than your spouse in some way (until, of course, you’ve married that person). So save yourself misery and avoid comparing.
14. Verbalize Your Needs
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Instead, verbalize your needs, and give your mate a chance to respond.
Knowing that Howie often liked tea in the early afternoon, Susan asked if he would like her to make him some. To be polite, he replied, “No, don’t trouble yourself,” even though he would have loved a cup just then. Susan was very busy at the time, so since Howie told her not to bother, she didn’t. Howie then said to himself, “If she really cared about me, she would have made me that tea. She must have realized I was just trying to be nice when I told her not to bother.” Clearly, Howie does not communicate his desires well, and expects Susan to read his mind, which is really asking for trouble.
In the following statements, the speaker is verbalizing his needs to prevent feeling hurt afterward.
- "Next week is our anniversary. I know I’ll be hurt if we don’t go out to dinner or do something else to celebrate it. So could we please do something like that?”
- “I need more displays of affection from you throughout the day—smiling at me more, talking to me more softly, maybe telling me ‘I love you’ sometimes. I don’t know why, I just need it. Could you do this for me?”
Being so direct in asking for what you want might not seem as romantic as having your partner intuit your desires, but it’s a lot better than feeling disappointed and getting into fights!
15. Don’t Criticize in Public
Be careful not to criticize your spouse in front of others. Doing so will embarrass your mate and will weaken the bond of intimacy in your relationship.
Criticizing your partner in the presence of your children is equally bad since it can cause your kids to disrespect your spouse.
16. Be Careful With the Kids
Don’t allow your children to disturb your marital harmony. Here are two things you can do to help ensure that this does not happen:
- Give your spouse priority over your kids. When each competes for your time, put your mate first as much as you can. Realize that being a good spouse is probably the most important role model you can give your children.
- Don’t make your spouse into the family police officer. Avoid saying things such as, “Wait ‘till your father comes home!” or “We’ll see what your mother says to that!” Your partner will not appreciate having to be the disciplinarian in the family because you’re not strong enough to discipline your children yourself.
17. Watch Out in the Beginning
Be prepared for problems in the beginning of your marriage. Statistics show that the first year of marriage is the time couples are most likely to divorce, followed by the second year. So don’t put yourself under too much stress during those two years. This is not the time to start your own business or change careers. Instead, remove as much outside strain from your life as possible so you can focus your energy on working out whatever problems arise in your marriage. You and your partner have to learn to share a life together, and that’s not an easy task.
18. Minimize Monetary Conflicts
Disagreements about money issues are among the most common causes of conflict among couples. In fact, when the Association of Bridal Consultants asked newlyweds to note which topic caused their most serious arguments during their first year of marriage, 67 percent said it was how their money should be spent.
If you find yourselves arguing over money, work out a system the two of you can live with.
Here is how two couples worked out their money matters.
Brad and Jennifer have three separate checking accounts—one for him, one for her, and a joint account. When they get their monthly paychecks, they deposit these into their separate accounts and then contribute an agreed-upon sum to their joint ac-count. Every time a bill comes in for a shared expense—such as the mortgage or the electric bill—they pay it from their joint account. When they want to save for the fu-ture, they both put equal amounts into a joint savings account. This system works for them because they’re each willing to pay a bit more than their share to preserve marital harmony. For example, if Brad thinks that Jennifer is on the phone a lot one month, he doesn’t ask her to pay most of that month’s phone bill. He knows the bill is small and that it’s not worth risking a potential argument over it. And when Jennifer sees that Brad makes a ten-minute overseas call that she feels is unnecessary, she says nothing for the same reason. Thus, although they set up a 50-50 system, each has an attitude of ignoring the little things even if that means their relationship may in fact be 40-60 or even sometimes 30-70. They realize that in fighting for a perfectly fair system, they’ll lose more than they’ll gain.
Kevin and Laura have a joint checking account into which they deposit their monthly paychecks. They worked out an arrangement whereby each may spend $100 a month on anything they want without consulting the other. Although Kevin earns more than Laura, and thus might deserve to spend more than she does, he realizes that she does more of the housework, and therefore agreed that they could spend equal amounts.
19. Have Conflict Resolution Time
Set aside time to work out the problems that keep recurring in your relationship. This should be a time when both of you are relaxed and willing to discuss these matters. Otherwise, the issues might arise at times when you may not have the patience and goodwill necessary to deal with them.
20. Look for Solutions
Focus on finding solutions to your problems. Here are some examples:
- If your mate complains that you’re making too much noise, don’t argue back and say it’s not true. Instead, find ways to lessen the noise, such as by being quieter or moving to another part of the house.
- If your spouse likes to leave clothing on the floor, don’t go on the attack and call him or her a slob. Instead, look for a solution. For example, offer to put a box on the floor in the corner of the room where your partner can leave the clothing.
If you concentrate on finding solutions, you’ll avoid many conflicts.
